The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love - Hardcover

by Colette Jane Lmft Lmhc Fehr (Author)

An empowering, healing guide that reveals the true cost of avoidant behavior in a relationship--disconnection, disengagement, and divorce--and shows how we can instead learn to speak up and start connecting with the ones we love most.

"I wish I had spoken up sooner."

People think relationships fail because of deal breakers like infidelity, finances, or parenting problems. But the real culprit is often much less dramatic: emotional disconnection after years of staying silent and avoiding conflict. We're afraid to say what we need because we worry about what will come next.

Avoidant behavior--the need to "keep the peace" rather than dealing with conflict head on--isn't our fault. Our ingrained attachment wiring urges us to sidestep day-to-day disputes and brush lingering problems under the rug. But silence is a losing proposition in the long term, leading us to self-abandon and essentially "quiet quit" our relationships.

We can make another choice. In The Cost of Quiet, licensed marriage and family therapist Colette Jane Fehr shines a light on the epidemic of avoidant behavior and how to overcome it. Drawing from the latest attachment science and evidence-based therapies she's used to repair the bond between hundreds of couples, Fehr gives us the tools to approach those we love with openness, honesty, and vulnerability. The ultimate goal: a securely attached relationship that engages with conflict productively, and the confidence that comes from speaking up and being heard--because a good relationship is worth fighting for.

Author Biography

Colette Jane Fehr is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in couples' therapy. She also co-hosts the podcasts Insights from the Couch and Love Thy Neighbor, and her 2025 TEDx talk Secrets of a Couples Therapist was a TED editors pick. She lives in Orlando, Florida, with her husband.