I Can't Even Think Straight - Hardcover

by Dean Atta (Author)

In this emotional novel in verse by the Stonewall Award-winning author of The Black Flamingo, a queer biracial teen confronts issues of race, privilege, class, and sexuality on his journey to falling in love.

Kai knows who he is to others: The good grandson, the reliable best friend, the romantic backup. But he doesn't quite know who he is to himself.

Kai wants to come out at school, but his best friend there, Matt, stays closeted for fear of getting kicked out by his conservative parents--and wants Kai to do the same. Kai unhappily agrees, but when a rumor goes around that Kai and Matt are dating, Matt starts acting differently anyway.

Kai's other best friend, Vass, is proudly nonbinary and thinks Matt is a negative influence--though maybe that's just their crush on Kai talking. Kai has always turned to writing to express his emotions, but when his on-page emotions erupt into the real world, he might just be putting the delicate balance of his life at risk.

Told with Dean Atta's signature lyricism and candor, this deeply feeling story explores the complexities of crushes, navigating identity, and coming out.

He's supposed to stay in the closet for his best friend's sake. What happens when everyone thinks they're a couple anyway?

• Friends to Lovers Romance: Kai and his best friend Matt have always been close, but being forced to stay in the closet puts their friendship--and their unspoken feelings--to the test.
• A Powerful Coming Out Story: An exploration of what it means to come out on your own terms, especially when the person you care about most asks you to wait.
• Featuring a Proudly Nonbinary Character: Meet Vass, Kai's fiercely loyal, unapologetically nonbinary best friend who isn't afraid to speak their mind--especially when it comes to Matt.
• An Emotional Novel in Verse: Told through lyrical, heartfelt poetry that captures the intense, confusing, and beautiful moments of navigating first love and finding your own voice.